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***WARNING SPOILERZ!***
It was several weeks ago when I decided to do this review, so I've forgotten a good amount of this film(which is understandable), so bare with me for some of the review. Anywho, Final Destination 2 is obviously the sequel to some movie or other, where "Death" picks up where he left off being anal retentive and killing a bunch of people who escaped his super precise little plan. At first it appears as if death just screwed up again and forced a psychic image onto an unsuspecting teen for some reason. You find out later in the film that, in fact, these kids are those who are alive only because of their interactions with the people from the first movie. The survivors of the first movie were not supposed to be around, thus their presence affected others lives. Instead of just sighing and doing the same thing to these new kids that he did to everyone else, he decides to get them all together for some sort of grand finale. Obviously death is a master showman. unfortunately one of the kids ironically turns out to be a psychic again and everyone escapes, then catches on that this is the same deal as the plane crash, where they two are gonna be offed in the most roundabout ways imaginable. So now, not only are they NOT dead, but they're teaming up to push eachother out of giant falling baseballes and swminging Pepsi billboards and other crap that death likes to throw at these kids. Way to go death. So anyway that is the set up of the film, which is followed by a few hours of people saying stuff and getting cut into pieces by flying notebooks and stuff.
Anyway, in this review I am not going to focus on analyzing the plot and acting and stuff, but am going to focus on one very specific point. This point is that this movie has the worst portrayal of death EVAR. I've already pointed out that his showing off totally messed up everything and made this movie neccessary, so I will move on to my other points:
Point 1: Death is an idiot
Ok so this is back to my last point. But seriously what is with all the Rube Goldberg shit? If death can affect reality at ALL why does he need to go about it in roundabout half assed fashion that everyone can see 15 minutes before it happens to them. And it's not that he can only affect reality in very minor ways. That shit with the elevator was HACKED. Most elevators stop when something caught in the door, and if theres a malfunction they power down. For the damn thing to CLAMP onto the womans neck and ram upwards harder and harder each time would take a huge and specific malfunction. So once again instead of just giving them all heart attacks he has to do something gimmicky, what an asshole.
Point 2: Death is HACKIN
Even though he does all this unneccessary shit for the sole purpose of saving face, there's practically no way to avoid it. Everyone ends up dying some horribly retarded death which they can't avoid because death twists all the rules around. Not that any of the people in the movie deserved to live, but if it happened to me it would be total bullshit. I should get rewarded for having a damn psychic vision, not have some sheet of paper defy physics and shoot through me cutting my heart in half. Why can't death just give me a dignifying death, like fighting a shark to death or have a heart attack while in bed with a hooker. What a douche.
Point 3: Death has no physical form
The best part of going to a movie where you know death is going to have some sort of role is seeing him walking around with his cloak and scythe totally being a badass and occassionally spouting off philosophy that would leave Yoda blank faced. Even in fucking Last Action Hero death made a physical appearance and managed not to be a dumbass. He ripped on Schwarzenegger and that kid and went about his business. He totally saved that movie! Even though death is a total fudge packer in this movie, it would still be better for him to have physical form, so we could hate him easier.
Point 4: Death is nowhere near as fair and cool as the Grim Reaper from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
Seriously, that guy was a badass. Not only did he give you your choice of a game, but if you won you got a free raise dead spell, AND a round trip pass across the ENTIRE PLANE OF EXISTENCE! If the stupid death from Final Destination offed me, I'd play Bill and Ted Death in Smash Brothers Melee and totally go to heaven and find someone to out think that fucker.
After seeing Freddy Versus Jason, one of my friends said Jason would kill the Grim Reaper. So I set him straight and pointed out that the reaper would just go to heaven and get Station to build a good robot Jason and totally upercut his head off. Fuck you Vorheese.
Point 5: Death can't rock out
This is another throw back to reaper from Bill and Ted. Seriously, that guy wailed on the bass, but this death's methods of artistic expression is leaving clues that don't make any damn sense and may very well be coincidence half the time. "OMG my Star Wars DVD fell off my shelf and hit my cat, that must mean a guy dressed in a Darth Vader outfit is going to kill Karyn!" Serously why not just wail on the bass before someone's gonna get offed. Instead of giving the other people clues to save their friend, they will all be standing there going "man this is a swinging beat" and next thing they know Josh has one of those Tobacco Shop Indians impaled through his chest.
In conclusion if this was a movie about a dude in a cloak running around with a scythe playing bass and kicking ass all over the place, this movie would be a million times better, possibly the best of all time. Seriously, I haven't called the movie flat out bad, but if anyone gets mad at me if I do, the "this movie would be better with death running around kicking ass" argument will win 99 percent of the time. The other one percent is when you have someone cool enough to argue that the movie would be better with BRUCE CAMPBELL running around kicking ass. Not only would he do his job right, but he'd have the wittiest lines right before he shoots each kid with a shotgun.
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